why I got a ‘real’ job to push my online business forward
Independence, burnout, soft skills and stepping into embodied leadership.
I had been job searching since August when I finally found a role as a Head of Client Success for a digital marketing agency in this spring. I didn’t tell many people that’s what I was up to.
It took me 9 months to land a role, and when I did, it took me from freelancing on my own schedule for 6 years as a writer to full-time building a team, building a structure, and on the phone with clients strategizing everyday… overnight.
It was overwhelming at first to say the least.
Not going to lie, I think I felt a little ashamed to tell people aloud that I wanted to work ‘for a company’ again.
Maybe because of the noise online. The messaging that if you’re not ‘working for yourself’, you’re somehow doing life wrong. That working a ‘real’ job means you’re stuck, or not spiritually evolved enough, or that you’ve settled.
And don’t forget that fantasy some have that building an online business should feel effortless. Like it just clicks and suddenly life changes overnight.
I bought into that more than I realized. And you know what?
It’s why I stayed isolated and struggling for 6 years.
Most of us know that’s not how it actually works. But I wanted to be a success story. I wanted to show everyone I did do it!
It Became an Obsession
Any path you take requires effort, presence, and alignment. And sometimes, the thing you’re pushing so hard to make work… just isn’t the full picture.
I was missing the full picture.
But it’s easy to get fixated on the idea of it all working seamlessly, the way we want it to.
I sure did.
When I moved abroad for my husband’s career five years ago, I became focused on building an online business. It felt important to me to be able to contribute financially and create something of my own.
So I pushed. And the more homesick I felt, the harder I pushed.
I burned out a zillion times.
I’d say, I became fixated on making it happen… like an obsession.
In the process, I isolated myself more than I realized, and slowly lost touch with something that has always come naturally to me:
Connection and conversation.
I was so mentally exhausted from attempting to fit in somewhere that didn’t feel like home, and learning a new language, that I shut down entirely, and built my world online.
What Changed?
Why did I suddenly find myself looking for work (what some would call “back inside the matrix”)
It wasn’t just about money.
And it wasn’t just about contribution.
It was something deeper that only became clear after years of healing, writing, reflecting, and really sitting with myself.
I was lonely.
I had created a life where I was mostly behind a screen. Thinking, writing, processing, but not fully living or connecting in the ways that actually bring me to life.
I no longer knew what I was capable of.
And without realizing it, I had boxed myself into a very narrow version of what success was supposed to look like.
This version, ironically, was limiting me. And it took a mentor with whom I had been working to show me this. This person reminded me of my skills that I had not been using effectively.
And underneath all of that… I found something even more honest.
After years of journaling, reflecting, and sharing pieces of myself online, I realized what I had really been reaching for:
Independence.
Financial independence, but also energetically, emotionally, and personally.
I felt like I had lost it somewhere along the way. Unsurprisingly, moving to a foreign country for your husband’s career can make you really dependent on him.
I lost my sense of being my own person.
I lost the parts of me that existed outside of who I was for everyone else.
Where it Began
If I trace it back honestly, though, this didn’t start when I moved abroad.
It started when I became a mother at 21.
I know I’m not alone in this.
So many women slowly shape their lives around their families, their responsibilities, their roles — and don’t even realize what’s been set aside until much later.
The revelation comes with this quiet, persistent feeling that something is missing, or something inside of you has been waiting.
A Step Forward, Not Back
And that’s the part I want to talk about.
Because this decision to go out and get a “real” job wasn’t a step backward.
It was a return.
I am doing things and making waves in this company. Things I never would have considered a year ago that I could do. My confidence in my ability to do hard things has grown tenfold.
And what I’m beginning to understand is this:
Sometimes the path forward isn’t about escaping structure…
It’s about creating it.
Stepping into a structure that supports you, and allowing it to strengthen you in the ways you’ve been needing all along.
What I was really missing was expression.
Being in spaces where I could speak, listen, respond, read the room, connect, and lead — all of the things that have always come naturally to me, but that I had tucked away while trying to force something else to work.
I convinced myself that independence meant doing everything on my own. But that version of independence was actually isolating and destroying me at the same time.
True independence feels like knowing who you are… and bringing that into any environment you step into.
Being able to stand in your voice, in your presence, in your energy, whether you’re building your own thing or contributing somewhere else.
I started to see something clearly:
The so-called “soft skills” I’ve always had inspire:
leadership.
influence.
power.
And I had been underestimating them for years.
These are the things that move people, that build trust and create real impact.
So instead of seeing this next chapter as a compromise, I see it as a refinement. And building a solid foundation that will help me achieve my goals faster than if I were still hustling hard and burning out.
This is my next level of training.
An opportunity to strengthen the parts of me that are meant to lead.
I’m no longer trying to force myself into one version of success.
I’m allowing myself to expand.
In Summary
Independence is about how you show up… not where you work, or how you earn money.
It’s about whether you’re connected to yourself… or disconnected and performing.
Whether you’re silencing your voice or strengthening it.
I truly believe it is what I needed all along. And maybe it’s what you need to. Your circumstance or solution might not be the same as mine was.
For me, it was not to escape the world…
But to re-emerge.
Remember:
Usually, the greatest thing we resist is what persists. It persists because there’s something there you need to explore.
Stop surviving your life. Start leading it.
Helping women become bigger than the challenges they’re facing.
